"The pain of loss eventually becomes something you can crawl out from under and walk around with, like a brick in your pocket." Rabbit Hole

I'm waiting to see if I'll ever be as happy as I used to be. Before so an so died, or such and such moved away. Sometimes I close my eyes and remember sunny days before it all happened. I could get lost in that world, smiling and careless. Invincible, like nothing bad can ever happen, like destruction doesn't exist. Even the air has a different weight than before.  Now oxygen feels heavy in my chest, as it fills up my lungs. Everything was warm, and soothing. It feels dead to me. Touch is cold and repulsive. I do want to crawl out of this kind of pain.

Shine like the stars...

I saw this quote and decided to write about someone who inspires me....on the daily. Going to college guarantees new relationships....and there's always  going to be one person who stands out to you. You can't seem to figure out why, but they just have this air about them, like there's something different, comfortable....yet edgy and intriguing. I came across one of these people on my floor. Her name, is Mary Fairchild.

I didn't actually talk to Mary, until  probably a month or two after I first came across her. Truth be told, I was afraid. This girl is the kind of person that can throw on some sweats and still be the prettiest. She's intimidating....if you don't know her. Through one of my most divine friends, Rachel Walker, I got to hang a little with Mary. Now...she's like a sister to me. This is why;

I learned to trust, by trusting her with my true self, raw and despicable. She encouraged me to live life in confidence, not fear. Trust was a really big lesson/stepping stone for me. She helped me to learn to trust myself, which, by the way, is a constant process. She also is a really huge example to me of how to be myself. Being transparent is important. Being real, and genuine, is required.

See, for me to be accepted by Mary, I had to not fit in. I had to be myself, and learn to trust, and fall, and accept, and learn.  My flaws are me. They build me up while tearing me down.

So....inspirations from unlikely places and people. Be yourself. Lesson learned. Compliments of Mary Fairchild.

Slàinte ( Cheers)

Sometimes...no.....a lot lately....I sit down and think,"God, there's no possible way I can keep going. There's no way this can get any worse. There's no one else you could possible take away from me, not without me dying first". No matter how many times I say that....or I hear it in my head...I always get the reply, "You can". And as usual...I deny it. It's the same ritual, same dance. I want to quit, but I need to be convinced that it's alright. I can get myself there. I can always be convinced, I am human. There's a catch...there's always a catch.

The catch is something I can't explain....it just happens. It's like the argument that goes on between God and I is suddenly made aware to another person....even sometimes without them knowing. Right then and there...God tag teams me. Yet, He's so gentle with it that I know everything that happens is out of love. I am so aware that I am not alone. And even when it's a mystery, I still know the root of it....In my heart.


So I guess...I need to get back to where I'm going with this....today, I had several of those moments. So I'll just say...Here's to best friends, who catch you off guard and throw love at you. Here's to the rare family member that keeps you sane, to people who care enough to threaten you. To people who also care enough to conspire behind your back because you haven't been yourself lately. Here's to the few that know all your habits...and how much they hinder you. And to people who know exactly when to tell you...to fight to the death because hope is never lost and those habits don't deserve your devotion.    

Slàinte

Songs used in writing.....
What can I do; Relient K
Hold On; Toby Mac
Swing Low; Brandon Heath
Prayer; Sixpence none the richer
Amazing because it is; The Almost
Home; Natalie Grant

Numb

Three years ago I sat on a bench, a marker on the grave of a great man. I sat on a bench...next to another bench, also a marker on the grave of another great man. I sat, and I cried, and I stared into space...thinking about how not to feel. I don't understand death. And this is a funny thing for a person like me to say. Death knows me, like its lifelong neighbor.

I sat on that bench and a friend of mine took a seat beside me. He said death isn't meant to be understood. And it makes us angry when we loose the people whom we love, who mean the most to us. And we miss them. But all the more reason to look forward to death, when we get to meet them again in heaven.

Rest in peace Gib Strong. Thanks for the talk....although it doesn't seem like much help right now.  Love you.

That bitter taste that some call realization

I am home, at least that's what I hear. I am back in the place where I tried to grow up. I really only realized I hadn't grown up at all when I first left this place. It's knowing the difference between letting yourself loose and letting yourself go, growing up is. I'll be growing up all my life I think.

I've started to notice lately that you can't let yourself loose without acknowledging the chance of losing foot and letting yourself go. See the trouble is, I think I've let myself loose for too long. I feel like I see a lot of brokenness around me right now, and that doesn't exactly make me want to hold on. I want to see healing. I want to see something bright and brilliant again.

All my realistic instincts right now say that I've never been much of a homebody. Meeting new people is good, trusting new people is difficult. Hurt, no matter the place or time, is inevitable....but necessary, for growth anyways. My only hope that I choose to trust and have faith in right now is God. People are not permanent. Substances are not permanent. Actions, are simply residual. Something, something has to be permanent, something has to be worth it. I'm tired of trusting time bombs.

touch the untouchable

Sometimes we touch the untouchables. The things we aren't supposed to go near. They attract us, and they bind us. And they bear down on us like cable weights. The untouchables....they're called that for a reason.

.....between the wire and the word....

This is really what it always comes down too. I get tired. I take my medicine. I should be asleep in 15 minutes....30 minutes go by and I find myself writhing in my bed trying to forget all that's going on around me. It's just what I do. I am comfortably used to it...the uncomfortableness of pain. I'm used to the tears. I'm used to it. At least that's what I tell myself a lot. You see, whenIi know I'm about to lose something, something so incredibly important to me, my fears take over me. It's like I'm Sampson and you are my hair, my strength, and Delilah, my life, has found me and come to take away more, yet again. More and More. I feel like life takes and takes. Right now, at 2:40 AM....I can definitely feel the effects of loss. Loss is just so blinding. When it happens it's like there's nothing else to look to, all you can see is that one thing that's about to blow you out of the water.

Right now I am waiting. I am waiting for the final moment. I am anticipating letters to be written....more tears to be shed...breath to be taken...and the death of a few good hopes. And every time I wonder why I let myself believe again. Every time I wonder how I learn to trust so fast and fall so hard. I really should learn to remember that life isn't kind. Then again...I should be sleeping instead of crying. Between the wire and the word there is no difference in words spoken and lies heard. There is no difference. So cry hard.

Dear World....

This is a poem written by a girl named Lexie from the MTV series "The Buried Life". This poem was written in response to an episode done with TWLOHA. I hope this poem brings encouragement to you as it was meant to.

Dear World,

Soon my fears will be brought from darkness to light.
I am no longer afraid.

Soon my scars will no longer be hidden, but on display for all of you to see.
My scars have started to fade, and my heart has started to heal.

Soon my masks that I have so delicately created, will be broken and all of me will be exposed.
I have started to love the person who has been hiding behind them, and I am learning to accept her.

I have been so blessed to have people I love, people who don't even know me, and newfound friends support me. But I am one of the lucky ones, I am one of the blessed.

What about the girl who still hides her pain, and hides behind her mask? Or the boy who still struggles with the emotions you have told him to hide?

What will you do to them when they are ready to step out of the darkness and into the light?

It is in your nature to try and scare them, and tell them to go back into their darkness and hide there. It's where they belong, and it's the only place they are safe.

We all know that isn't true, so now you have a choice.
Let them come out of the darkness and embrace them in your light. Or continue to send them back, and keep them there.

If you choose to let them shine, you will be amazed at what you will see. They have so much to give, and so much to share. They will be delicate at first, but in time they will strengthen. You can be a part of that, and in turn be strengthened by them.

If you choose to send them into the darkness yet again, know you are making such a huge mistake. Not only because it is simply wrong, but you are losing the chance to see the beauty they have inside. Do you really want to feel the burden of keeping them silent?

If you are on the fence, come and attack me. I have been so blessed, and because of that you no longer scare me. No matter what you throw at me I can almost guarantee I have already faced it, and I've won. If I haven't yet, I have the support system to help me fight. I am one of the lucky ones, not all are as lucky as I am. Don't take away the hope they have finally realized they have.

So world, what will it be?

Just to be you....so on fire, so free

We don't like our thighs to touch, or our butts too big. Our stomachs unshapely, or our biceps untrimmed. I see your beauty, and I cannot see mine. Why are we so blind? We run until we puke, religiously.

I can look in the mirror and pick out flaws until there are no good things left about me. And yes, I struggle with it.. Other days I could care less whether or not I eat McDonalds. I just want to know how we let ourselves believe these lies....that we aren't worthy, pretty, beautiful inside and out. I want to know why it's so hard for us to believe the truth. Why are our bodies such a hangup?

There was a 119 percent rise in eating disorder related hospitalizations between 1999 and 2006 for kids under 12. This should say something to us. Most of us that feel shameful when we look at our bodies, however, will shrug this off and say, "That doesn't change the way I think about myself". It's involuntary. it's not like we want to find something wrong with ourselves every time we look into a mirror.

I want to challenge anyone who feels inadequate to go against the grain and learn to believe the fact that you aren't. You aren't inadequate. You are worth something. Don't let others make you feel like you're not. You are your own person. You are beautiful. You, stop worrying about your body obsessively. Love yourself.

Operation Beautiful

To those who are questioning their own worth....You are beautiful and worth it.
       For beauty that damns us so often....nothing makes you more beautiful than the belief that you are, and you are.
    To the ones who take the beating of the world; NO ONE can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Beauty is not in the face; it is a light in the heart.
                          Your little flaws make you unique. They are not flaws. Embrace yourself. Lead with you heart and the rest of you will follow. And always try to remember, weight does not equal worth and size does not equal substance.



For more confirmation of your true beauty visit http://operationbeautifulpost-it.tumblr.com/. 
:) have a beautiful day

"So young, full of running...all the way to the edge of desire. Steady my breathing, silently screaming...I have to have you now."

I can sincerely say that I really don't enjoy tears. Yet, it seems that I have to endure through a lot of them. I don't know how it happens, I never see it coming. But, nevertheless, tears always find me.
  The tears found me this week as I found out one of my best friends....more like sister...is moving away from me. It's kind of hard to decipher this into blog form.

     I think the hardest part about this is knowing that when I pass her room she won't be in there. She won't be around to give the best hugs when I'm happy....or sad.........or just trying to annoy her :) Gosh, I look at this situation and I kind of space out just thinking about how much things are really going to change. Lame sauce. Usually people will say," You've changed me for the better". I can't really say that about Rachel. I can say something better. True friends don't change you. They hold you when you're learning harsh lessons. They help you along the path of life. And they influence you no matter how much or how little they try. The true definition of a friend is someone who will love on you no matter how many mistakes you have made, are making, or will make in the future.

     The bad thing about growing up....is that people leave. The good thing....it's not forever. While I really really feel like I'm losing right now, I also know that there's no way Rachel Walker will ever leave my life. Partially because I won't let her, partially because she won't let me :) But mostly because she has influenced my life so much that the changes in my heart, due to her, will always remind me that she is still here. And while it may feel like a whole lot is crashing down right now for those of us here.....we shouldn't be surprised that we are left in the dust of the ambitious runner ;) Those who are full of honor and integrity and ambition just cannot be held back. Loss and gain. Lesson learned.

Strength

No woman, No cry

Ladies
 beautiful, bodacious
   biggest fight of our lives
we fight for our worth.
We fight the world, we fight ourselves
     we fight the feelings the make us have.
Women
strong, courageous
always wanting what we can't have
put a smile on our faces, tell you we're fine.
So often you tell us a different story.

We are not physical wonderlands designed for your free pleasure
We may be displays of glorious beauty, but we are not free for the taking
we have made ourselves something, something worth more than your money and your affection
     Do not question your worth, because he tells you he wants you, that you'll never find another
that you don't deserve better.
if he  lays hands on you, he ain't any better than the trash on the floor.
No, females, God's wonders
  your worth, is designated to you
you hold it, you control it
you give it to whom you wish, it is not taken
it is not destroyed
   it can be replenished, and restored
Women, natural
stand tall in your confidence. That you are worth more.

And if you have given yourself away, or if you have been taken

take. it. back.

Food for thought, thought for life.

And with my age comes new learning experiences...

Pouring

Dear Heart,
   If I could tell you something without you judging me, I would tell you I pray for you every night. If I could do anything my heart desired, I would love you relentlessly. If I could tell you something that would change your life, and know without a doubt that you would believe it, I would tell you that God made you, and He loves you. If I could tell you all these things and know that we would still be the best of friends, I would. I would, not because you aren't a good person, you are a far better person than I will ever be. I would because I love you. And for me, there has been no greater realization than that of Christ's love for me. I have to believe in something. I have to have hope and faith. we can't just be here because we are. We can't be. I know that I know that I know, the Father shows me love that no other person ever could. I know that. And although I can't convince you there is a God, more the less one that actually cares for you, I only wish you could know this heaviness in my heart for you. Not because you aren't happy, or maybe you aren't, but because there is such a great and bountiful amount of joy and peace found in God that I know for a fact nothing and no one else can give to me. I've tested. I've tried. There is no greater love. Dear friend, if I could let you know all these things, without risking losing you, I would. I need you to know that there is something greater. I need you to know the reason and purpose I have found. I want nothing else for you, than this absolute resolution I find in Christ.

Engrave

Silver Lining

when the world seems to be crashing in around you....

For what seemed like an eternity....

I've seen many, many days of joy and laughter. I have a wonderful, amazing family. I was raised in a stable home with two parents that are very in love with each other. I have a a younger sister I simply couldn't live without. I'm a pretty normal person from this standpoint. Things look pretty regular on the outside......

If you really looked inside of me, or even if you just asked me, you would see that.....I've also seen a lot of bad days and nights. And even though I was raised in this stable home, my life hasn't really been very stable.

I can recall so many times when I never really thought God existed. I was just waiting for some divine sign that would show me He was real, that my life wasn't pointless, that maybe I had some sort of worth inside of me. I developed this place inside my heart where all my anger would go and stay. I was my own worst enemy: I fought myself more than any other one person.  Without realizing it I had determined there was no God.

If there was a God, why did He let all of these terrible things happen to me, and my family, and my relationships, and everything around me. In my head there was no God. At least not one that cared.

Somehow, at sometime, I had a good day. I was able to see past my anger and contempt. And I realized I was tired of waiting on nothing. I looked back at all the years of my life I had spent just trying to be a good person and wondered what I really thought I was living for. I was living for nothing. I was living simply to breathe. There were so many times, so many opportunities for me to not exist. And it really was not like I intended to keep living. It's not like I tried to. I had no reason to. I existed because of something, and that something was undetermined. But somehow, no matter how hard I tried to give up....I was not allowed. Something was stopping me. And even after all the anger I harbored and all I threw away....I am still here. For as long as I can remember I know that I felt like everything I valued was taken away from me. I did not try to accomplish anything in fear of having that taken away to. I loved no one, because many of my loved ones were gone.

I just remember not caring. Waiting. Anticipating. Thinking if God was there....he needed to prove Himself. Then I realized.....He already had. How was I still alive? I know for a fact I didn't try to live I tried to quit. And yet I was still here. I was breathing, I was doing,  I was. Despite the fact that I had lost so much, I had never taken the time to realize that new growth had come of these things. That, in fact, my life....was about to be defined by all that I did not have any longer. 

There is a God. And everything about my life had been pointing to Him the entire time.

I am reformed.....because I believe. I believe because I breathe. I breathe for the ones I love, for the God I know, and for the plans He has for me. And for what seemed like an eternity I ran from the One who loved me. I have been done running for a good, long while. But now it is time for me to make known the name of the One I believe in.

  I desire purpose. I desire passion. And in Christ alone, I find these things.

Set Me Free

It hasn't always been this way
I remember brighter days
Before the dark ones came
Stole my mind
Wrapped my soul in chains

Now I live among the dead
Fighting voices in my head
Hoping someone hears me crying in the night
And carries me away

Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free

Morning breaks another day
Finds me crying in the rain
All alone with my demons I am
Who is this man that comes my way?
The dark ones shriek
They scream His name
Is this the One they say will set the captives free?
Jesus, rescue me

As the God man passes by
He looks straight through my eyes
And darkness cannot hide

Do you want to be free?
Lift your chains
I hold the key
All power on Heav'n and Earth belong to me

You are free
You are free
You are free 

~Casting Crowns

The Silence

Lately I’ve been relying on prayer a lot to just get me through the day….and the night. I find that God is really the only one I can truly rely on to always be there, no matter what. Sometimes it’s really hard to find a place to pray on my own, away from people. I realize that when I pray I like to go somewhere where no one knows where I am or can find me. I found it interesting that all throughout Mark the scripture says, “They went away, to a remote place by themselves” (Mark 6:31, 6:32, 6:46-47, 7:33). I love just being able to walk away from everything, hands down, and talk to the Lord in the quiet. Sometimes I feel that being able to be alone outside allows us to see a different kind of beauty that the Lord is always trying to show us. When we take time just to be alone with Him, in his presence, and see all the things he has created and how much love He shows us through that simple beauty of creation. We open up our lives to a newness no one can fully comprehend. We allow ourselves to enter a new level of vulnerability: one that includes the Father, who created us to be ourselves and to be lovely. There are so many things that aren’t visible to the naked eye when you’re constantly running to and fro, back and forth. Sometimes we just need to stop and be still. We need to take time to understand just how deep the Father’s love is for us, and how much compassion and understanding He truly wants to lay upon us. When we go off by ourselves to be in the presence of God He allows us to see things that enable us to keep going day by day. Most of the time I get so caught up in what the world is telling me, I forget that the same power that conquered the grave is in me. I forget that with Christ all things are possible, and that my Lord, my father is always with me. In the silence He reminds me of that. In the silence He allows me to see that he is the only way, and my only Savior. And it is because of this that I love to enter the silence with my God.

Come join the song, lift your voice
As heaven and earth give praise
Fall to your knees, at the feet
Of the Son of The One True God
Turn from old ways, lift your eyes
For the kingdom of God is here
Open your heart, offer all
For Jesus Christ is here
Oh now

We have found our hope
We have found our peace
We have found our rest
In the One who Loves
He will light the way
He will lead us home
As we offer all
To the One who saves us

Call on the Name, that is hope
Jesus the Son of God
Lord over all, He is good
And His mercy endures
Always

His love endures
Forever His love endures
Forever His love endures
Forever and ever 

~Hillsong, The One Who Saves

The Beast AND the Burden

Have you ever walked into Walmart and stopped just to see all the people moving around you......have you ever considered how many of those people have ever put a needle in their arm, picked up a bottle before 12 in the afternoon...or  tried to feel some sort of pain other than the pain they feel every day. How many addicts do we see every day without even knowing that that person feels the need to be so incredibly numb just to get through the day? Have you ever looked into the eyes of a hurting soul and been able to see all the pain they bear, all the chemicals running through their blood. Can you see the darkness that has taken over them? The fear that runs their lives.....every second of every day. Why can't we see it? Why don't we do something? Those people are also "the least of these", are they not? Why do we turn our backs against our own.....

Sink or Swim

I've noticed lately that it seems the same people get off easy all the time. The same people are always fighting the hardest battles, always swimming upstream, against the current. It's as though we are designated life jackets at birth, and a choice few are thrown into the cold water bareback. I always thought this was unfair to those of us who get the short end of the straw....now I'm realizing it's not us who are going to have to fight for anything in the end. We hit these riffs, some very powerful, like tidal waves crashing down on our heads. While it's painful when you're constantly thrown into the ground....it's only for a time. And in the long run we will look back and see the weak versus the strong. And we will be able to see who carried what burdens, how heavy, how long. We have the honor of swimming in whatever direction at whatever speed. Those who are floating can only drift where the water takes them. We swim....because someone looked at us and said, "That one. That one will be stronger than the rest." Sink or swim.

Mahalo

A great mentor of mine always told me it was good to recognize the things we are grateful for, that it puts our lives in perspective and helps us stay sane. I always thought that was silly. Gratitude just seemed so elementary to me, so Sunday school-esk. The fact is, sometimes, is order to realize where we stand we have to realize how we got there. Expressing gratitude is simply something we do everyday subconsciously. However, when we start to take note of the things happening in our day to day lives....the way we think, the way we act, the things we do....who we are becomes very obvious based on how grateful we are, what we take pride in, what we allow ourselves to put time and effort into, and what or who we respect and take interest in. Mahalo means; thanks, gratitude, admiration, praise, esteem, regards, and respects. This blog is going to be my mahalo, my regards and recognition of gratitude.