If you really looked inside of me, or even if you just asked me, you would see that.....I've also seen a lot of bad days and nights. And even though I was raised in this stable home, my life hasn't really been very stable.
I can recall so many times when I never really thought God existed. I was just waiting for some divine sign that would show me He was real, that my life wasn't pointless, that maybe I had some sort of worth inside of me. I developed this place inside my heart where all my anger would go and stay. I was my own worst enemy: I fought myself more than any other one person. Without realizing it I had determined there was no God.
If there was a God, why did He let all of these terrible things happen to me, and my family, and my relationships, and everything around me. In my head there was no God. At least not one that cared.
Somehow, at sometime, I had a good day. I was able to see past my anger and contempt. And I realized I was tired of waiting on nothing. I looked back at all the years of my life I had spent just trying to be a good person and wondered what I really thought I was living for. I was living for nothing. I was living simply to breathe. There were so many times, so many opportunities for me to not exist. And it really was not like I intended to keep living. It's not like I tried to. I had no reason to. I existed because of something, and that something was undetermined. But somehow, no matter how hard I tried to give up....I was not allowed. Something was stopping me. And even after all the anger I harbored and all I threw away....I am still here. For as long as I can remember I know that I felt like everything I valued was taken away from me. I did not try to accomplish anything in fear of having that taken away to. I loved no one, because many of my loved ones were gone.
I just remember not caring. Waiting. Anticipating. Thinking if God was there....he needed to prove Himself. Then I realized.....He already had. How was I still alive? I know for a fact I didn't try to live I tried to quit. And yet I was still here. I was breathing, I was doing, I was. Despite the fact that I had lost so much, I had never taken the time to realize that new growth had come of these things. That, in fact, my life....was about to be defined by all that I did not have any longer.
There is a God. And everything about my life had been pointing to Him the entire time.
I am reformed.....because I believe. I believe because I breathe. I breathe for the ones I love, for the God I know, and for the plans He has for me. And for what seemed like an eternity I ran from the One who loved me. I have been done running for a good, long while. But now it is time for me to make known the name of the One I believe in.
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