"The pain of loss eventually becomes something you can crawl out from under and walk around with, like a brick in your pocket." Rabbit Hole

I'm waiting to see if I'll ever be as happy as I used to be. Before so an so died, or such and such moved away. Sometimes I close my eyes and remember sunny days before it all happened. I could get lost in that world, smiling and careless. Invincible, like nothing bad can ever happen, like destruction doesn't exist. Even the air has a different weight than before.  Now oxygen feels heavy in my chest, as it fills up my lungs. Everything was warm, and soothing. It feels dead to me. Touch is cold and repulsive. I do want to crawl out of this kind of pain.

Shine like the stars...

I saw this quote and decided to write about someone who inspires me....on the daily. Going to college guarantees new relationships....and there's always  going to be one person who stands out to you. You can't seem to figure out why, but they just have this air about them, like there's something different, comfortable....yet edgy and intriguing. I came across one of these people on my floor. Her name, is Mary Fairchild.

I didn't actually talk to Mary, until  probably a month or two after I first came across her. Truth be told, I was afraid. This girl is the kind of person that can throw on some sweats and still be the prettiest. She's intimidating....if you don't know her. Through one of my most divine friends, Rachel Walker, I got to hang a little with Mary. Now...she's like a sister to me. This is why;

I learned to trust, by trusting her with my true self, raw and despicable. She encouraged me to live life in confidence, not fear. Trust was a really big lesson/stepping stone for me. She helped me to learn to trust myself, which, by the way, is a constant process. She also is a really huge example to me of how to be myself. Being transparent is important. Being real, and genuine, is required.

See, for me to be accepted by Mary, I had to not fit in. I had to be myself, and learn to trust, and fall, and accept, and learn.  My flaws are me. They build me up while tearing me down.

So....inspirations from unlikely places and people. Be yourself. Lesson learned. Compliments of Mary Fairchild.

Slàinte ( Cheers)

Sometimes...no.....a lot lately....I sit down and think,"God, there's no possible way I can keep going. There's no way this can get any worse. There's no one else you could possible take away from me, not without me dying first". No matter how many times I say that....or I hear it in my head...I always get the reply, "You can". And as usual...I deny it. It's the same ritual, same dance. I want to quit, but I need to be convinced that it's alright. I can get myself there. I can always be convinced, I am human. There's a catch...there's always a catch.

The catch is something I can't explain....it just happens. It's like the argument that goes on between God and I is suddenly made aware to another person....even sometimes without them knowing. Right then and there...God tag teams me. Yet, He's so gentle with it that I know everything that happens is out of love. I am so aware that I am not alone. And even when it's a mystery, I still know the root of it....In my heart.


So I guess...I need to get back to where I'm going with this....today, I had several of those moments. So I'll just say...Here's to best friends, who catch you off guard and throw love at you. Here's to the rare family member that keeps you sane, to people who care enough to threaten you. To people who also care enough to conspire behind your back because you haven't been yourself lately. Here's to the few that know all your habits...and how much they hinder you. And to people who know exactly when to tell you...to fight to the death because hope is never lost and those habits don't deserve your devotion.    

Slàinte

Songs used in writing.....
What can I do; Relient K
Hold On; Toby Mac
Swing Low; Brandon Heath
Prayer; Sixpence none the richer
Amazing because it is; The Almost
Home; Natalie Grant

Numb

Three years ago I sat on a bench, a marker on the grave of a great man. I sat on a bench...next to another bench, also a marker on the grave of another great man. I sat, and I cried, and I stared into space...thinking about how not to feel. I don't understand death. And this is a funny thing for a person like me to say. Death knows me, like its lifelong neighbor.

I sat on that bench and a friend of mine took a seat beside me. He said death isn't meant to be understood. And it makes us angry when we loose the people whom we love, who mean the most to us. And we miss them. But all the more reason to look forward to death, when we get to meet them again in heaven.

Rest in peace Gib Strong. Thanks for the talk....although it doesn't seem like much help right now.  Love you.

That bitter taste that some call realization

I am home, at least that's what I hear. I am back in the place where I tried to grow up. I really only realized I hadn't grown up at all when I first left this place. It's knowing the difference between letting yourself loose and letting yourself go, growing up is. I'll be growing up all my life I think.

I've started to notice lately that you can't let yourself loose without acknowledging the chance of losing foot and letting yourself go. See the trouble is, I think I've let myself loose for too long. I feel like I see a lot of brokenness around me right now, and that doesn't exactly make me want to hold on. I want to see healing. I want to see something bright and brilliant again.

All my realistic instincts right now say that I've never been much of a homebody. Meeting new people is good, trusting new people is difficult. Hurt, no matter the place or time, is inevitable....but necessary, for growth anyways. My only hope that I choose to trust and have faith in right now is God. People are not permanent. Substances are not permanent. Actions, are simply residual. Something, something has to be permanent, something has to be worth it. I'm tired of trusting time bombs.

touch the untouchable

Sometimes we touch the untouchables. The things we aren't supposed to go near. They attract us, and they bind us. And they bear down on us like cable weights. The untouchables....they're called that for a reason.

.....between the wire and the word....

This is really what it always comes down too. I get tired. I take my medicine. I should be asleep in 15 minutes....30 minutes go by and I find myself writhing in my bed trying to forget all that's going on around me. It's just what I do. I am comfortably used to it...the uncomfortableness of pain. I'm used to the tears. I'm used to it. At least that's what I tell myself a lot. You see, whenIi know I'm about to lose something, something so incredibly important to me, my fears take over me. It's like I'm Sampson and you are my hair, my strength, and Delilah, my life, has found me and come to take away more, yet again. More and More. I feel like life takes and takes. Right now, at 2:40 AM....I can definitely feel the effects of loss. Loss is just so blinding. When it happens it's like there's nothing else to look to, all you can see is that one thing that's about to blow you out of the water.

Right now I am waiting. I am waiting for the final moment. I am anticipating letters to be written....more tears to be shed...breath to be taken...and the death of a few good hopes. And every time I wonder why I let myself believe again. Every time I wonder how I learn to trust so fast and fall so hard. I really should learn to remember that life isn't kind. Then again...I should be sleeping instead of crying. Between the wire and the word there is no difference in words spoken and lies heard. There is no difference. So cry hard.

Dear World....

This is a poem written by a girl named Lexie from the MTV series "The Buried Life". This poem was written in response to an episode done with TWLOHA. I hope this poem brings encouragement to you as it was meant to.

Dear World,

Soon my fears will be brought from darkness to light.
I am no longer afraid.

Soon my scars will no longer be hidden, but on display for all of you to see.
My scars have started to fade, and my heart has started to heal.

Soon my masks that I have so delicately created, will be broken and all of me will be exposed.
I have started to love the person who has been hiding behind them, and I am learning to accept her.

I have been so blessed to have people I love, people who don't even know me, and newfound friends support me. But I am one of the lucky ones, I am one of the blessed.

What about the girl who still hides her pain, and hides behind her mask? Or the boy who still struggles with the emotions you have told him to hide?

What will you do to them when they are ready to step out of the darkness and into the light?

It is in your nature to try and scare them, and tell them to go back into their darkness and hide there. It's where they belong, and it's the only place they are safe.

We all know that isn't true, so now you have a choice.
Let them come out of the darkness and embrace them in your light. Or continue to send them back, and keep them there.

If you choose to let them shine, you will be amazed at what you will see. They have so much to give, and so much to share. They will be delicate at first, but in time they will strengthen. You can be a part of that, and in turn be strengthened by them.

If you choose to send them into the darkness yet again, know you are making such a huge mistake. Not only because it is simply wrong, but you are losing the chance to see the beauty they have inside. Do you really want to feel the burden of keeping them silent?

If you are on the fence, come and attack me. I have been so blessed, and because of that you no longer scare me. No matter what you throw at me I can almost guarantee I have already faced it, and I've won. If I haven't yet, I have the support system to help me fight. I am one of the lucky ones, not all are as lucky as I am. Don't take away the hope they have finally realized they have.

So world, what will it be?

Just to be you....so on fire, so free

We don't like our thighs to touch, or our butts too big. Our stomachs unshapely, or our biceps untrimmed. I see your beauty, and I cannot see mine. Why are we so blind? We run until we puke, religiously.

I can look in the mirror and pick out flaws until there are no good things left about me. And yes, I struggle with it.. Other days I could care less whether or not I eat McDonalds. I just want to know how we let ourselves believe these lies....that we aren't worthy, pretty, beautiful inside and out. I want to know why it's so hard for us to believe the truth. Why are our bodies such a hangup?

There was a 119 percent rise in eating disorder related hospitalizations between 1999 and 2006 for kids under 12. This should say something to us. Most of us that feel shameful when we look at our bodies, however, will shrug this off and say, "That doesn't change the way I think about myself". It's involuntary. it's not like we want to find something wrong with ourselves every time we look into a mirror.

I want to challenge anyone who feels inadequate to go against the grain and learn to believe the fact that you aren't. You aren't inadequate. You are worth something. Don't let others make you feel like you're not. You are your own person. You are beautiful. You, stop worrying about your body obsessively. Love yourself.

Operation Beautiful

To those who are questioning their own worth....You are beautiful and worth it.
       For beauty that damns us so often....nothing makes you more beautiful than the belief that you are, and you are.
    To the ones who take the beating of the world; NO ONE can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Beauty is not in the face; it is a light in the heart.
                          Your little flaws make you unique. They are not flaws. Embrace yourself. Lead with you heart and the rest of you will follow. And always try to remember, weight does not equal worth and size does not equal substance.



For more confirmation of your true beauty visit http://operationbeautifulpost-it.tumblr.com/. 
:) have a beautiful day

"So young, full of running...all the way to the edge of desire. Steady my breathing, silently screaming...I have to have you now."

I can sincerely say that I really don't enjoy tears. Yet, it seems that I have to endure through a lot of them. I don't know how it happens, I never see it coming. But, nevertheless, tears always find me.
  The tears found me this week as I found out one of my best friends....more like sister...is moving away from me. It's kind of hard to decipher this into blog form.

     I think the hardest part about this is knowing that when I pass her room she won't be in there. She won't be around to give the best hugs when I'm happy....or sad.........or just trying to annoy her :) Gosh, I look at this situation and I kind of space out just thinking about how much things are really going to change. Lame sauce. Usually people will say," You've changed me for the better". I can't really say that about Rachel. I can say something better. True friends don't change you. They hold you when you're learning harsh lessons. They help you along the path of life. And they influence you no matter how much or how little they try. The true definition of a friend is someone who will love on you no matter how many mistakes you have made, are making, or will make in the future.

     The bad thing about growing up....is that people leave. The good thing....it's not forever. While I really really feel like I'm losing right now, I also know that there's no way Rachel Walker will ever leave my life. Partially because I won't let her, partially because she won't let me :) But mostly because she has influenced my life so much that the changes in my heart, due to her, will always remind me that she is still here. And while it may feel like a whole lot is crashing down right now for those of us here.....we shouldn't be surprised that we are left in the dust of the ambitious runner ;) Those who are full of honor and integrity and ambition just cannot be held back. Loss and gain. Lesson learned.