When everything's made to be broken....I just want you to know who I am.

I'm starting to realize now that the more often people in your life leave, the easier it gets to let them go. After a while....I'm finally realizing that if someone wants to go, there's no use in holding on to them. Better to let go easily, then to tear and rip. I like to dream about not having to gain and lose. I suppose I'd still be the same person I was 5 years ago if that were the case. "Before I run far away, I need to take a holiday. Maybe it's a fall from grace, I gotta find a new place....a holiday. I'll set off on a new chase. I gotta see a new face. I need to take a holiday." ~Boys Like Girls I know....a lot of time I run from hurt. I know, this is me wimping out. I guess I just have to hope someday I gain some sort of new courage that can't be destroyed by people. If there is such a thing.

Invictus

OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance	5
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,	10
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:	15
I am the captain of my soul.

 
                                                      ~William Ernest Henley

Call me a liar: that's what I am.

Have you ever been so anxious and disconcerted that you just feel like your insides are going to rip out of your body and your heart is going to beat out of your chest? How about this....ever stopped in the middle of something you were doing and realized how incredibly out of place you are? Then comes the sick feeling....the "Oh, I really screwed up" realization. The, "I can't play this off anymore, I can't run any farther" determination. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. That's where I am right now. I know no one's going to read this. So I can actually write something real.

As opposed to all things fake...which in reality, is life. People are fake. People talk trash. They cut down others because they're just that intelligent, they really have nothing else to talk about other than what they don't like about other people. So we sit for endless hours talking about nothing but the flaws of others. Cool , huh?

I can't keep doing what I'm doing. In my own way, I've created my own falseness. I know, in my own heart that I can't go out with my friends when they're doing certain things. I know I'm not strong enough to do that, and I have to quit pretending I am. I'm not really a rebellious cool kid, if really that's what you want to call them. I have a pretty fair share of " loser" friends too. And you know what? I really like my private Christian College, I chose to go there. I wasn't forced. I like....to worship and read my Bible, like a "holy roller" be it what it may.

I guess I'm realizing I need to come back to terms with what I used to be working towards, and stop pretending that certain things are okay, because they aren't. And if, from this day, I do not make an effort to be the best I can be...instead of accepting things, without acknowledging the consequences. Call me a liar. Because that's what I am.

When a she becomes a that...

  'I was nothing but an object in his eyes. An object of pleasure. Not a real person, who lived and breathed, and bled. Just a tool, a thing....a this used for that. He wouldn't look me in the eyes. He wouldn't kiss my lips. It was all for him.I abandoned my heart , and left my body. I watched my ship go down in flames. And there he was, strong and demanding. Persuasive and convincing. Heaven forbid that I would do what I did. Heaven forbid I stop him. No. It's against the rules to stop him before he's finished. Heaven forbid I come to my senses, out of my self-induced coma.

 Stripped of my dignity I awaken. His words cut deep into my soul, leaving scars that will forever be engraved in my heart. "You're not ready. Just don't call me upset later. Let me show you the door." There goes my worth....given to an ungrateful man.'

   "The problem is that "that" is actually a "she". A person. A  woman. With a name, a history, with feelings. It seems harmless until you're that girl- and then it hurts. It's degrading. It's violating. it does something to a person's soul."~Rob Bell

A woman....is a divine image no matter how used, beaten, or broken she may be. A divine image loved and cherished by God Himself. Dignity is restored. You are priceless. 

“Hell is yourself and the only redemption is when a person puts himself aside to feel deeply for another person.” -Tennessee Williams

I started this entry when I found out that a girl close to one of my family members had attempted suicide and been admitted to Greenleaf, a center for psychiatric and substance abuse treatment. I was thinking about how many people I've known that have either been in a rehab center, or a stress center, or been hospitalized for overdose and/or attempted suicide. It's a pretty significant number. A number far higher than I would really like.

I cannot figure out....how we miss this so much. We have so many answers, so many remedies, and yet we are still so ignorant towards the broken. It's almost as though it's a task to extend a little hope someone's way. Like it's to much effort to try and open someone's eyes to a life worth living. No offense but, what good are you to us if you are that conceited....or that busy....or that insignificant? There is a band called Atlantic that I have seen on tour multiple times, and on their tour bus they have the words, " We have the bread to feed the world, how dare we keep it to ourselves" inscribed around the entire thing.

We have so much knowledge, and so many resources. There's no way that everyone in this girl's life can say, "I didn't see any signs at all". I refuse to believe that. The problem is not the fact that she attempted suicide, it's the fact that no one tried to help her.

World Health Organization recently put out a statistic approximately 1 million people a year, will die from suicide. What are we doing here?