Have you ever been so anxious and disconcerted that you just feel like your insides are going to rip out of your body and your heart is going to beat out of your chest? How about this....ever stopped in the middle of something you were doing and realized how incredibly out of place you are? Then comes the sick feeling....the "Oh, I really screwed up" realization. The, "I can't play this off anymore, I can't run any farther" determination. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. That's where I am right now. I know no one's going to read this. So I can actually write something real.
As opposed to all things fake...which in reality, is life. People are fake. People talk trash. They cut down others because they're just that intelligent, they really have nothing else to talk about other than what they don't like about other people. So we sit for endless hours talking about nothing but the flaws of others. Cool , huh?
I can't keep doing what I'm doing. In my own way, I've created my own falseness. I know, in my own heart that I can't go out with my friends when they're doing certain things. I know I'm not strong enough to do that, and I have to quit pretending I am. I'm not really a rebellious cool kid, if really that's what you want to call them. I have a pretty fair share of " loser" friends too. And you know what? I really like my private Christian College, I chose to go there. I wasn't forced. I like....to worship and read my Bible, like a "holy roller" be it what it may.
I guess I'm realizing I need to come back to terms with what I used to be working towards, and stop pretending that certain things are okay, because they aren't. And if, from this day, I do not make an effort to be the best I can be...instead of accepting things, without acknowledging the consequences. Call me a liar. Because that's what I am.
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