Invictus

OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance	5
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,	10
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:	15
I am the captain of my soul.

 
                                                      ~William Ernest Henley

Call me a liar: that's what I am.

Have you ever been so anxious and disconcerted that you just feel like your insides are going to rip out of your body and your heart is going to beat out of your chest? How about this....ever stopped in the middle of something you were doing and realized how incredibly out of place you are? Then comes the sick feeling....the "Oh, I really screwed up" realization. The, "I can't play this off anymore, I can't run any farther" determination. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. That's where I am right now. I know no one's going to read this. So I can actually write something real.

As opposed to all things fake...which in reality, is life. People are fake. People talk trash. They cut down others because they're just that intelligent, they really have nothing else to talk about other than what they don't like about other people. So we sit for endless hours talking about nothing but the flaws of others. Cool , huh?

I can't keep doing what I'm doing. In my own way, I've created my own falseness. I know, in my own heart that I can't go out with my friends when they're doing certain things. I know I'm not strong enough to do that, and I have to quit pretending I am. I'm not really a rebellious cool kid, if really that's what you want to call them. I have a pretty fair share of " loser" friends too. And you know what? I really like my private Christian College, I chose to go there. I wasn't forced. I like....to worship and read my Bible, like a "holy roller" be it what it may.

I guess I'm realizing I need to come back to terms with what I used to be working towards, and stop pretending that certain things are okay, because they aren't. And if, from this day, I do not make an effort to be the best I can be...instead of accepting things, without acknowledging the consequences. Call me a liar. Because that's what I am.

When a she becomes a that...

  'I was nothing but an object in his eyes. An object of pleasure. Not a real person, who lived and breathed, and bled. Just a tool, a thing....a this used for that. He wouldn't look me in the eyes. He wouldn't kiss my lips. It was all for him.I abandoned my heart , and left my body. I watched my ship go down in flames. And there he was, strong and demanding. Persuasive and convincing. Heaven forbid that I would do what I did. Heaven forbid I stop him. No. It's against the rules to stop him before he's finished. Heaven forbid I come to my senses, out of my self-induced coma.

 Stripped of my dignity I awaken. His words cut deep into my soul, leaving scars that will forever be engraved in my heart. "You're not ready. Just don't call me upset later. Let me show you the door." There goes my worth....given to an ungrateful man.'

   "The problem is that "that" is actually a "she". A person. A  woman. With a name, a history, with feelings. It seems harmless until you're that girl- and then it hurts. It's degrading. It's violating. it does something to a person's soul."~Rob Bell

A woman....is a divine image no matter how used, beaten, or broken she may be. A divine image loved and cherished by God Himself. Dignity is restored. You are priceless. 

“Hell is yourself and the only redemption is when a person puts himself aside to feel deeply for another person.” -Tennessee Williams

I started this entry when I found out that a girl close to one of my family members had attempted suicide and been admitted to Greenleaf, a center for psychiatric and substance abuse treatment. I was thinking about how many people I've known that have either been in a rehab center, or a stress center, or been hospitalized for overdose and/or attempted suicide. It's a pretty significant number. A number far higher than I would really like.

I cannot figure out....how we miss this so much. We have so many answers, so many remedies, and yet we are still so ignorant towards the broken. It's almost as though it's a task to extend a little hope someone's way. Like it's to much effort to try and open someone's eyes to a life worth living. No offense but, what good are you to us if you are that conceited....or that busy....or that insignificant? There is a band called Atlantic that I have seen on tour multiple times, and on their tour bus they have the words, " We have the bread to feed the world, how dare we keep it to ourselves" inscribed around the entire thing.

We have so much knowledge, and so many resources. There's no way that everyone in this girl's life can say, "I didn't see any signs at all". I refuse to believe that. The problem is not the fact that she attempted suicide, it's the fact that no one tried to help her.

World Health Organization recently put out a statistic approximately 1 million people a year, will die from suicide. What are we doing here?

Unspoken

Things we should be told when we are young;


You can't run from anything, so consider that before all decisions.
People will always leave when you need them the most, you have to learn to turn pain into progression.
Boundaries can ruin a person.
Boundaries can save a person.
The way you decide to perceive the outcome of a situation can decide the outcome of a situation.

Snapshot: Staring into the face of love

"And the lies, they aim to name us. They whisper on repeat. They know our dreams, they know our fears. The stolen things, they steal us. Steal us from our families, steal our days." ~Jamie Tworkowsi




 Slut. No good whore. Druggie, Drunk. Used, torn, lifeless. Valuable. Fake, loser. Quitter. Disgusting. Low, useless, hypocrite. Touched. Dirty. Absolutely Worthless. 

 
   We let our pasts define us, even when we've claimed to have let it go. Instead of pursuing our identity as claimed and chosen, we let snapshots of the things of old tell us who we are. See, the thing is, a snapshot does not determine your value. It is what you did.....but it is not who you are, if you are in Christ. A lot of times, as humans, we think once we slip up the game is over. There are no second chances. I'm just now starting to realize that a lot of people have never been told....that's not how it works. We all slip up. And by nature we accept the names given to us, and we grasp the lies heard in our head better than anything else we've ever heard. They tell us it's not worth it, trying to live a good life, worthy of living. And we believe it, we believe the lies. We were not made to be perfect beings alone, but through Christ. And facing the lies doesn't go away when you give your past to Him. In fact, most people would say it gets harder. The difference is, you're not alone anymore....and every time you slip up or get tempted...you have the ability to say I am completely forgiven. I am chosen, and valuable. I am rooted in the face of Christ's unconditional love.