Ponderings....

Sometimes I wonder....if the person I'm always fighting, is actually the person I naturally am. I wonder if the expectations I have for myself are realistic and necessary. I mean...if I'm going to be honest I will say that I have been sucked into everything I don't believe in. And at the same time, I have little desire to fight it anymore, I have little fight left to battle the rebellion inside of me that wants to just destroy my life and forget about it. And I know this is supposed to be a natural process in growing up....But for me it's kind of like watching a  movie...seeing myself do everything I fight, and as I do all of these things, forgetting where I am or what I'm doing....I'm reacting and telling myself, " What in the world are you doing?"....but still going farther....telling myself more is better.