When everything's made to be broken....I just want you to know who I am.

I'm starting to realize now that the more often people in your life leave, the easier it gets to let them go. After a while....I'm finally realizing that if someone wants to go, there's no use in holding on to them. Better to let go easily, then to tear and rip. I like to dream about not having to gain and lose. I suppose I'd still be the same person I was 5 years ago if that were the case. "Before I run far away, I need to take a holiday. Maybe it's a fall from grace, I gotta find a new place....a holiday. I'll set off on a new chase. I gotta see a new face. I need to take a holiday." ~Boys Like Girls I know....a lot of time I run from hurt. I know, this is me wimping out. I guess I just have to hope someday I gain some sort of new courage that can't be destroyed by people. If there is such a thing.

Invictus

OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance	5
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,	10
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:	15
I am the captain of my soul.

 
                                                      ~William Ernest Henley

Call me a liar: that's what I am.

Have you ever been so anxious and disconcerted that you just feel like your insides are going to rip out of your body and your heart is going to beat out of your chest? How about this....ever stopped in the middle of something you were doing and realized how incredibly out of place you are? Then comes the sick feeling....the "Oh, I really screwed up" realization. The, "I can't play this off anymore, I can't run any farther" determination. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. That's where I am right now. I know no one's going to read this. So I can actually write something real.

As opposed to all things fake...which in reality, is life. People are fake. People talk trash. They cut down others because they're just that intelligent, they really have nothing else to talk about other than what they don't like about other people. So we sit for endless hours talking about nothing but the flaws of others. Cool , huh?

I can't keep doing what I'm doing. In my own way, I've created my own falseness. I know, in my own heart that I can't go out with my friends when they're doing certain things. I know I'm not strong enough to do that, and I have to quit pretending I am. I'm not really a rebellious cool kid, if really that's what you want to call them. I have a pretty fair share of " loser" friends too. And you know what? I really like my private Christian College, I chose to go there. I wasn't forced. I like....to worship and read my Bible, like a "holy roller" be it what it may.

I guess I'm realizing I need to come back to terms with what I used to be working towards, and stop pretending that certain things are okay, because they aren't. And if, from this day, I do not make an effort to be the best I can be...instead of accepting things, without acknowledging the consequences. Call me a liar. Because that's what I am.